I
have thoughts of walking down these streets, remembering my
past, hearing the voices, seeing the faces, feeling the
memories. My past mistakes and present. My new
life and the future creating new situations for me to make
mistakes. And to someday come back to these streets to
remember my future mistakes being caused by these old ones.
Why
can I not learn from these mistakes? Why do I dwell on
them? It serves no purpose except to hurt. All
my decisions are made from fear: fear of love, fear of
lost love, fear of life, fear of freedom, fear of failure,
fear of fear, fear of decision, fear of death, fear of
responsibility, fear of rejection . . . from friends, . . .
even my enemies.
Where
do I go? Certainly not home: I have no home. Home
to me is my mind, my thoughts . . . in these streets.
These streets are empty . . . just as I was when born. I
must travel down them to fill their vacant alleys. These
streets are me . . . unexplored in the darkness but able to
solve any problem if willing search for an answer.
Do
you have a problem? This man before me is doing and has
learned what I have learned. He is distant but we are
thinking as one. We can see one another: did you
know that? We will not speak: it's not
necessary. I'll smile: so will he. You do not
believe he will, but just watch: he'll smile. . .
. See I was right: he did smile. He wants to
speak, but can't: it's a rule. If he should speak,
our thoughts will not longer be ours: we will again be
human. And as humans we must respect each other using
our quote, unquote, "social etiquette".
"Social": what a stupid word. A word that
denotes dealing with people. That is why I love these
streets as my home. Don't you? Please say,
"Yes." I can't stand rejection. Please
say, "Yes."
That's
right: you can't answer. But try: try to answer
me. Please don't turn away. Don't put my life in a
drawer. Don't allow yourself not to feel. Be able
to know what I have felt over the years. Some of these
feelings I'm sure you have felt. You don't like them
either, do you? Why do you not like them? Believe
me when I tell you that you are not alone. Everyone
experiences them.
What
I have written on this page has been a part of, quote,
unquote, "society" for years. Learn to love
them as I do and always hate them! . . . I do.
